Mean Queens - An OUAT Halloween One Shot
by mraymondjames
Summary: A Halloween crack fic based on Once Upon a Time and Mean Girls. Regina is invited to go Trick-Or-Treating with Robin, Roland and Marian with ridiculous consequences. Be prepared for lots of OutlawQueen and references to non-canon ships.


**Hey guys, so this is my poor attempt at writing a half-crack, half-serious fic. It started as a Halloween one-shot, but I was also writing a Mean Girls based fic and decided to combine the two. :) Just to warn you - There are references to may non-canon ships, but it is mainly based around OutlawQueen. However if you don't like references to other ships then this is not the fic for you. But this is just a bit of fun, nothing serious, so I hope you read and enjoy it! :) X**

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><p>Regina stood in the hallway staring at what was apparently her reflection in the mirror. She had been invited to go trick-or-treating with Roland, Robin and Marian, and they'd told her to dress up. So naturally she'd decided to go as...her sister?<p>

"Perfect," Zelena said with a flourish of her make-up brush, adding the final touch to Regina's green make-up.

"I'd say you make the perfect Wicked Witch of the West, but," She flicked her hair behind her shoulder and smirked, "There's nothing quite like the original."

Regina just rolled her eyes. As she stared at what was apparently her reflection in the mirror, she realised that this had been a crap idea. Her sister's crap idea, she might like to point out. There was no _way _that Robin would be interested in her after this.

Cora gracefully stepped into the hallway and looked at her youngest daughter.

Regina turned to face her.

"Well...How do I look?" She asked nervously.

"Like the Hulk had a sex change and went on a diet." Cora replied dryly.

Zelena giggled, "Mother! Was that a complement?"

Cora merely smiled and said, "You look wonderful, darling."

Regina smiled in relief, "Thank you mother."

Zelena cleared her throat.

"Yes, yes, and thank _you_ sis for the...wonderful...green make-up and inspiration."

"Well, they do say that the younger sibling always wants to be just like the elder sibling." Zelena said smugly.

"Oh, so that one time you broke into _my_ castle, wore _my_ clothes, took control of the dark one, and tried to cast a time curse on _my_ town just to stop me from being born..."

"Shut up!" Zelena snapped.

"What? This was _your_ idea anyway, I never expressed a desire to be you!"

"Well you didn't have to go along with it! Now shut up before I kick your green ass from here to the middle of next week!"

"YOU DYED MY BUTT GREEN?!" Regina screamed.

Zelena smirked at her, "With the help of that bath bomb you used earlier, yes. I did."

Regina screamed in fury and charged at her sister.

"It's not like Robin would see it anyway, he's _married_, remember?" Zelena taunted Regina as she tried to pull her sister's hair, "You'd never get past first base with him!"

"YOU BITCH!"

"THERE WAS NO NEED FOR THAT!"

"YOU STARTED IT!"

"DID NOT!"

"JUST BECAUSE MOTHER LOVES ME MORE!"

"GIRLS!" Cora screamed at them, and the siblings slowly released each other's hair and turned to face their mother.

"Zelena - I left you alone in the woods to be swept off to another land by a magical hurricane to one day find out your sister had a probably-better-life than you, making you so envious that you turned green and therefore deterred any possible suitors. Regina - I murdered your true love and forced you to marry the king, therefore making your love life the pathetic miserable thing that we see today. I love you both _equally_."

The two sisters glared at each other.

"Now kiss and make up quickly, Regina's entourage will be here shortly and I do not wish to make a scene."

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><p>"Are you sure you're okay with this?" Robin asked Marian as they approached Regina's home.<p>

Marian sighed and said, "Roland wants to spend time with her, and I mean, he's such a cutie pie that no one could say no to his face. Just ask his fangirls."

Robin raised an eyebrow at his wife, "Fangirls?"

"I've been reading up on this world. They have a rare, strange species called 'Fangirls' who live in a place called 'Fandoms' and adore all things cute. Apparently there's even a rarer subspecies called 'Fanboys.'"

Robin just stared at Marian. "Um..."

"But the point of all that is, Roland is cute, so therefore he must have fangirls."

Robin gaped at her, "Right. Right. Of course." He made a mental note to keep her away from this 'Internet' that Regina had told him about.

Marian looked around her.

"Hey, where _is_ Roland?"

"He was right-" Robin looked around and realised that his son was missing.

There was a sudden rustling in the bushes just ahead of them, and a miniature knight dressed in too-big armour jumped out, his visor flapping open and closed due to it being so big for the small person inside it. The knight held a wooden sword out before him.

"Don't worry Mama! I'll save you!" He cried.

Marian glanced at Robin and laughed, "Save me from what, Sweetie?"

Roland stuck out his sword and used it to flick a large spider off of Marian's sleeve.

"Mama is saved." Roland declared, before marching off through the gate to Regina's front garden.

Robin and Marian followed close behind his, chuckling at their son's behaviour.

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><p>The doorbell rang and Zelena squealed in excitement.<p>

"Show time!" She sung as Regina sucked in a deep breath and nodded.

She crossed to the front door and opened it, expecting to see Robin, but instead she saw nothing. She was about to put it down to Halloween pranksters when suddenly...

"GINAAAAAAA!" A tiny ball of excitement crashed into Regina's waist.

Normally, this would have been fine, but the addition of Knight's armour being added to said tiny ball of excitement made this hug rather worrying.

"OOF!" Regina replied as the wind was knocked out of her.

She looked down and saw the tiny knight that had wrapped her in a vice-like hug. She crouched down to be at the same height as him.

"Hello, Sir Knight," She grinned, removing his helmet to ruffle his hair.

"I've come to rescue you." Roland told her dead seriously.

"Well then, we'd better get going!" Regina chuckled.

She picked up her mobile phone and put it into the pocket of the dress that Zelena had lent her. She was just about to say goodbye to her mother and sister when Robin and Marian appeared in the doorway a suspiciously long time after their son.

"Hello, Regina." Robin smiled, "You look wonderful."

Regina blushed, "Thank you, Robin. Hello Marian," Regina said, spotting Robin's wife loitering just behind him.

Marian just smiled awkwardly in greeting, and then said, "Why are you green?"

"Oh my God Marian, you can't just ask people why they are green!" Robin told her, rolling his eyes.

An awkward silence followed this, broken by Cora saying to Robin, "Don't feel guilty about choosing your wife darling. Regina will probably be fucking that pirate in town by next Wednesday."

"Mother!" Regina exclaimed in embarrassment, "On Wednesdays, I fuck Graham!" She hissed so that only Cora and Zelena could hear.

Her sister sniggered, earning her a death glare from Regina.

"Oh, I'm sorry sweetheart, now you go have fun." Cora said, ushering Regina out of the door towards a red-faced Robin and a scowling Marian.

"By the way, Marian, I _love_ your skirt! Where did you get it?" Zelena asked.

"Oh, thanks. It was my mum's back in the Enchanted Forest." Marian explained.

"Aw, so adorable."

Cora nudged Regina out the door and closed it behind her.

"That is the ugliest effing skirt I have ever seen." Zelena said to her mother before walking off.

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><p>"So Marian," Regina asked, "How are you settling in to Storybrooke? Do you like it?"<p>

"Yes, I must say, camping out in the forest all day every day really does make me feel at home."

"Oh yes, the shopkeepers have been reporting someone attempting to use pinecones for money." Regina smirked.

Marian opened her mouth wide, presumably to spit out a retort, but Robin held out a hand, telling her not to bother. This made Regina's smirk even wider as she followed Roland to a house just down the street from her own. Roland charged up to the front door in full Knight mode and bashed on the door with the hilt of his sword.

Regina smiled, "Careful Sweetheart, you don't want to damage their door, do you?"

"I want sweeties," Roland grinned, "And ice cream!"

Regina laughed as the door was opened to reveal a kind elderly woman with a basket filled with sweets. Roland gave her his best cute smile and brandished his sword.

"I'm the Knight of the Realm!" He declared, "And to keep saving people, I need sweets!"

The old lady chuckled and held out the basket, "You must take some of these then, young knight!"

Roland grinned and grabbed some of the sweets.

"What do you say, Roland?" Regina asked him sweetly.

"Oh, sorry." He said, turning towards the elderly woman, "You have passed the test. If you ever need saving, I will come!"

He then marched off down the garden path, his armour clanking as he went.

Regina smiled at the woman, "Thank you."

The woman chuckled, "Quite alright my dear!"

She closed the door and Regina walked back down the path to find Roland reporting back to his parents on his 'saving' of the elderly woman.

"Come on Gina!" He beckoned her towards him, "I need to save more people!"

Regina chuckled and followed behind Robin and Marian as they proceeded down the street towards some more houses.

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><p>The group enjoyed a few more hours of following in the wake of Roland's 'saving,' and as the night went on Robin began to notice how much Regina was enjoying herself. At one house where Marian had gotten brave enough to go up alone with Roland, Robin turned to Regina and smiled.<p>

"Regina, thank you."

"For what?" Regina asked, smiling at Robin.

"For coming out with us tonight. It's made Roland so happy, and...well...Marian didn't exactly make much of an effort to dress up." He gestured towards Regina's attire.

"Yes I did mean to ask, who are you supposed to be?" Regina asked, taking in Robin's..._unique_ outfit.

"I'm Austin Powers," Robin said, slightly offended that Regina hadn't worked it out.

Regina burst out laughing and exclaimed, "Of all the people you could be, you choose _Austin Powers?"_

"Well he may not be the most attractive, but he certainly gets the ladies," Robin wriggled his eyebrows at Regina, who was almost in a heap on the floor.

"Erm..."

Robin's head snapped round to look at his wife who stood directly in front of him. Regina instantly stopped laughing and took on a serious face.

"Roland sweetie, why don't you go and save some people with Regina?"

Roland needed no persuasion as he charged towards Regina, grabbed her hand and dragged her towards the next house, his visor flapping up and down as he ran.

Marian turned to Robin, pure anger on her face.

"I've had enough of this Robin. Either you want me, or you want her, and you have to make up your mind. It's not fair on me, it's not fair on Regina, but most of all it's not fair on Roland."

"I know Marian, it's just..."

"Just what?" Marian snapped, "Just explain it to me Robin!"

"Regina Mills... How do I begin to explain Regina Mills?" Robin mulled it over, but before he could continue a group of people who were passing by froze at the mention of Regina's name.

"Regina Mills is flawless." One of them told Marian.

"I hear her hair's insured for $10,000!" Another exclaimed.

Marian's face was priceless, and Robin had to bite his lip to stop himself from laughing.

"I hear she does red slipper commercials... in Oz."

"Her favorite movie is Meet The Spartans."

"One time she met Sean Maguire on a plane..."

"And he told her she was pretty."

"One time she punched me in the face... it was awesome."

"Oh my God were you okay?" Marian asked, but it was too late as the group had already moved off.

Robin sighed and stepped towards his wife, laying a hand in her arm.

"You're right. I'm sorry," He said, "I need to choose, and now I know what my decision is."

He smiled at Marian and stepped even closer to her. She smiled back at him, and was leaning towards him when he put pressure on the hand on her arm and shoved her sideways into the bush next to them. He then casually walked off, ignoring his wife's shrieks and she flapped around trying to extract herself from the hedge.

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><p>Robin eventually caught up to Regina and Roland as they were leaving a house, Roland proudly displaying the loot from his latest save. When he saw his father, Roland shot towards him and gave him a hug.<p>

"Papa! A lady just told me I'm the bravest knight she's ever met!"

Robin laughed, "Well that's because you _are_ the bravest knight!"

Roland grinned at his father before attempting to run off again.

"Steady on there kid, slow down! Don't go running off, it's too dark now."

So Roland took his father's hand as the trio began walking towards the centre of town.

"Where's Marian?" Regina asked, glancing around and realising she wasn't there.

"Oh, she called it a night," Robin said, dismissing the subject with a wave of his hand.

He gave Regina a knowing glance and she smirked at him before taking his hand and squeezing it. Robin smiled back, removed his hand from hers and instead wrapped his arm around her waist, pulling her in closer. Roland turned around and saw this.

"Papa, is Gina going to be my Mama?" He asked.

Robin and Regina laughed, and Robin said, "If you want her to be."

"YAY!" Roland yelled, throwing himself at Regina and hugging her.

Regina laughed and picked Roland up, "Do you want to go get ice cream?" She asked him.

"TO THE ICE CREAM STORE!" Roland cried, pointing his wooden sword towards the shop, informing Regina that she should carry him to the shop.

As she moved closer to the shop, Regina saw a sign for Halloween specials, including 'Wickedly Sour Apple' flavour.

"I guess I'd better go for that flavour then!" Pointing the sign out to Robin.

"Yeah, and I'll go for the "Shaken Not Stirred Adults Only' flavour. I wonder what's in that."

"I don't think you want to know." Regina told him dryly.

She plopped Roland down and he shot into the store to greet the woman who ran it. Robin and Regina strolled in behind him.

"Which flavour would you like?" The woman was asking Roland kindly.

"Chocolate!" Roland bounced up onto his tip toes in order to be able to see over the counter.

The woman laughed and corrected him, "Today, it's 'Graveyard Mud' flavour."

"That sounds gross!" Roland told her, "I'll have one!"

The woman smiled and handed one over.

"And you two?" She asked.

Robin and Regina ordered their ice cream and the woman handed them over. They thanked her and left.

Robin held his ice cream out to Regina, "You want to try some?"

Regina tasted some, and as she did so Robin bumped the ice cream purposefully against her face, and when she moved away there was a big blob on her nose.

"Hey!" She cried, lifting her own ice cream and mushing it into Robin's face.

He laughed and said, "That's not fair, I only got a little bit on you!"

Regina grinned, "Well then you missed an opportunity, didn't you?"

The pair were so busy that they didn't notice Roland wander off in the direction of the woods.

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><p>Roland jogged towards the woods, clutching his ice cream in one hand and his sword in the other. He saw a familiar face walking towards the forest with a man, it was the lady who had brought his Mama back. He could hear people in the trees, jumping out and scaring each other. He giggled and increased his pace.<p>

When he reached the woods, he found that someone had decorated them so that there ere skeletons hanging down from the taller trees, and fake cobwebs spun between the lower ones. There were people everywhere, and Roland soon lost his way and didn't know which way to go to get back to his parents. He had dropped his ice cream somewhere and he soon began to get scared.

"I'm the bravest knight ever," He whispered as tears began to fall down his face, "I'm braver than everyone else here."

The mass of people were pressing around him, all of them wearing masks and costumes. He didn't recognise anyone, and he couldn't move from where he stood without being crushed in the crowd. He span around, desperately looking for a familiar face, but only seeing spooky masks staring back at him. He was now so scared he sat down and began to sob.

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><p>"ROLAND!" Robin yelled as he and Regina strode briskly down the street, "ROLAND!"<p>

"I'm so sorry, this is my fault," Regina's voice was full of worry.

"Don't be ridiculous," Robin told her, "I should've kept a closer eye on him."

"Look!" Regina pointed to something that lay on the floor next to the entrance to a 'Spooky Forest Maze.'

"That's Roland's ice cream!" Robin looked closely at it.

"Oh no! He must have wandered into the woods!" Regina cried, rushing towards the entrance.

The pair hurried into the woods and began to desperately search for the young boy. The path was crammed with people all trying to enter the temporary maze that had been set up in the woods.

"ROLAND!" Robin called over the heads of the crowd.

"Papa!" He heard a faint reply.

Robin shoved through the crowd to the other side of the path, and relief rushed through him when he saw his son sat down by a large tree. He shot towards him and scooped him up.

"Roland what were you _thinking!"_ Robin scolded and he hugged his son tightly, "Don't wander off like that!"

"I'm sorry Papa," Roland sobbed, "But I saw that nice lady who brought Mama back."

Robin frowned and Regina asked, "You mean Emma?"

Roland nodded, "She was with a man wearing a leather jacket and I wanted to show them my Halloween costume. But they went into the woods and I got lost."

"Who was she with, Sweetie?" She asked, wanting to know why Emma was going out with someone other than her.

"I don't know, he was wearing a leather jacket." Roland sniffed.

"Did he have a hook for a hand?" Regina asked.

"No, but he had a star on his chest. I want one of those."

Regina gaped as she realised what Roland was saying. Emma and Graham had gone to the maze together, they were seeing each other behind her back.

"BITCH!" She screamed, storming off towards the entrance to the maze.

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><p>Emma clutched Graham's hand as they wandered through the maze.<p>

"Hey, it's only a few fake bones and a creepy soundtrack." He told her.

"I know," Emma smiled at him, "I'm just hoping Regina doesn't see us."

Graham laughed, "Are you ashamed to be seen with me?"

"No, it's just that, y'know...On Mondays Regina fucks Hook, on Tuesday Regina fucks me, on Wednesdays Regina fucks you, Thursdays it's Charming and Fridays it's Robin. I guess she takes the weekend off, I don't blame her! But I just feel kinda bad for going on a date when we're both sort-of-taken by her."

Graham laughed, "If all the people Regina has been with weren't allowed to see other people then the entire town would be single. Relax, Emma!"

Emma smiled nervously, "Hey, look! There's the centre!"

The pair jogged into the centre of the maze where they found a table with a selection of Halloween goodies on it, presumably a prize for getting to the middle.

Emma picked up a pumpkin-shaped lolly and smiled at Graham, who leaned in close to her and took her face in his hands.

"I love you," He whispered before kissing her softly.

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><p>Regina stomped into the centre of the maze and froze when she saw Graham and Emma kissing.<p>

"YOU BITCH!" She screamed.

Emma jumped away and took in Regina's appearance.

"Why are you dressed so scary?" She asked, her eyes widening.

Regina looked at her like she was stupid, "It's Halloween."

Emma just stared at her and nodded slowly.

"Right. Well, if you don't mind, I'm kinda busy." She turned back to Graham.

"I thought I meant more to you Emma! And you. Graham!"

"I'm sorry that you're so jealous of me... but I can't help it that I'm so popular!" Emma exclaimed

"BUT I THOUGHT WE HAD SOMETHING SPECIAL! WHY WOULD YOU BE WITH _HIM? _ARE YOU ON CRACK OR SOMETHING?" Regina screamed, pointing at Graham.

"WELL YOU WERE WRONG! I'm sorry, but what we had, it was just a bit of fun. Nothing more! Regina I'm sorry!"

Regina stepped slowly closer to Emma and said, "No! Do you know what everyone says about you behind your back? Hmm? They say that you're an orphaned, product-of-true-love freak, that's a less hot version of me! Yeah, so don't try to act so innocent! You can take that fake apology, and shove it right up your hairy c..."

"Regina?"

Regina whipped around and saw Robin stood there, staring open-mouthed at her.

"Robin, I..."

"Save it," He spat before storming out of the maze.

Regina shot Emma one last death glare before running after him.

Emma sighed and turned to Graham.

"Well that went well."

Graham just ran his hand through his hair and huffed a sigh.

"Hey, Swan!" A voice called from the opposite entrance to the centre of the maze.

Emma turned around, "Killian, hi."

She flushed slightly red. She'd _totally_ had a crush on Captain Hook once.

"Why were you talking to Regina Mills?" Hook asked her, frowning.

"I don't know, I mean, she's so weird, she just, you know, came up to me and started talking to me about crack!" Emma rambled, trying to hide her blush and nerves at being around her old crush.

Hook glanced at Graham, and then said, "She's so pathetic. Let me tell you something about Regina Mills. We were best friends in the Enchanted Forest. I know, right? It's so embarrassing. I don't even... Whatever. So then when I was trying to get revenge on Rumplestiltskin, I broke into her tower to threaten Belle, who was totally gorgeous, but then she didn't have the information I wanted so it was a dead end, and Regina was like, weirdly jealous of her. Like, when she walked in on me trying to get Belle to tell me what I wanted she was like, "I'm gonna steal your hook and not give it back." And I was like, "Why are you so obsessed with my Hook?" So then, to try and help me get revenge, she sent me to Wonderland to kill her mother, who was like, "Killian, I can't let you kill me because I think Regina is playing you." I mean I couldn't have Regina playing me. I'd been waiting like 200 years for revenge, right? And she was PLAYING me. So then her mum and me went back to the Enchanted Forest and her mum played dead, it was so retarded. And then she cast a curse because no one loved her, and when she arrived in this world all of her hair was cut off and she was totally weird, and now I guess she's on crack."

Emma just nodded slowly and said, "Yeah, well. We'd better get going, I mean, it's Halloween. We should be on duty making sure everyone is behaving and such. So yeah. Bye."

Graham and Emma walked off, leaving Hook alone in the centre of the maze.

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><p>Robin stormed back to his tent, and was glad to see that David had dropped Roland off like he'd asked. Marian was also there.<p>

"Don't worry, I'm just leaving." She shot at him before he could say anything, "What's wrong?" She asked, seeing the anger on Robin's face.

"Regina lied to me. She's been fucking half the town!"

"That's why her boobs are so big! They're full of secrets!" Marian told him.

Robin groaned and flopped down in his tent.

"Well, I'm off. Bye!" Marian walked off, clearly still mad at her husband.

Robin groaned again, remembering how he had shoved his wife into the hedge. He quickly scrambled out of the tent and made sure she wasn't taking Roland away with her, but his son was tucked up in his tent, still in full knight's gear. Robin breathed a sigh of relief and returned to his own tent.

It wasn't long before he heard footsteps outside his tent and he presumed that Marian had just come crawling back to him. Of course she had, I mean, he was gorgeous.

He swaggered out of his tent ready to accept his wife's grovelling apology when he froze. It was Regina, still in full Wicked Witch mode.

"Robin, I'm sorry." Regina told him.

"Regina, just don't." Robin sighed.

"Robin, please!" Regina cried, "Please just hear me out. I don't feel _anything_ for Emma, or Graham. Or any of the other people I've been with! They were just a way to stop me from being so lonely. Because I was so lonely, Robin. And then I met you, and I stopped being with them. Because, I mean, Graham? Too gay to function. I don't know why he's with Emma, cause he is _totally _crushing on Hook. But then he's also got competition from David, because like who doesn't ship CaptainCharming? They're adorable. Anyway, so when I met you I stopped being with all those other people, because I'd found someone I could _truly_ be happy with. But then when Marian came back and you chose her...I just went back to being lonely again. I mean, I wanted to get along with Marian. I wish we could all get along like we used to in the Enchanted Forest... I wish I could bake a cake filled with rainbows and smiles and everyone would eat and be happy...and then I would execute all the people who stood in the way of my happiness."

"Regina," Robin said softly, "Marian? She doesn't even go here. She belongs in the Enchanted Forest, she can never adjust to life in this world. And she can never forgive you for what you did for her. But me? I can. I can see the new person that you've become. And I _know_ that you didn't mean what you said to Emma, because you a a kind woman at heart. So I can forgive you."

Regina smiled at him, a tear sliding down her cheek, "I did mean what I said to Emma, but everything else you got right."

"Fuck it, that's good enough for me." Robin grabbed Regina and pulled her into his tent. She landed on top of him and burst out laughing as he began to undo her dress, gently slipping it off of her slender body. He looked down at her bare skin and couldn't help but laugh.

"Regina, your ass is green!"

Regina's eyes widened in embarrassment.

"ZELENAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" She screeched, and on the other side of town, I'm pretty sure her sister heard her.

* * *

><p><strong>So I hope you enjoyed this fic! I might still write my Mean Girls one which will be completely AU, so keep your eyes open for it! :) X<strong>


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